Today My Mom Would Have Been 90

This was right after I graduated high school. We tool a trip to Cleveland.

July 27th is my mom's birthday. She would have been 90 today. She had a heart attack on May 4, 2007 and passed away a few days later. I share more about that here in a previous blog post.

The day leading up to her birthday, I notice I start to get reflective about her and what life has been like since she passed away. She has missed out on 18 years of my life. I am a spiritual person and believe she has been there in other ways (I have had some very interesting dreams over the years, that I think were more than just dreams.) In the physical realm though, there has been a big void.

The person I was 18 years ago is not the same person I am today. A lot of life has happened since she died. I was offered a job in NYC a few weeks after her death, and moved to Brooklyn from Syracuse. My dad remarried in 2008, adding new family into my life. In 2010 I filed for divorce and had a lot of intense experiences around that situation. In 2011 I met my now husband, who I married in 2015 and built a different life with him and our kids. In 2011 I adopted my cat Menorah. I committed to veganism in 2017. My career has developed and advanced more. I earned a coaching certification and have been building a business and two YouTube channels. Covid happened and I have been working from home ever since. My dad passed away in 2022. My son graduated from high school in 2023 and we moved not long after that to the Hudson Valley area of NY State.

I have been through various phases of working through my grief over the years. It never goes away, it has just evolved. Unresolved issues that once haunted me have been mostly worked through and healed. Sometimes something comes up and surprises me. I then I have to give myself the space to process and heal through it.

After her death, I created a tradition of getting a strawberry milkshake on her birthday. Growing up we would go to Carvel a lot and she would usually get one. They were her favorite! When my son got older, we would honor her birthday together with strawberry milkshakes. When I became vegan, I would still honor the tradition by making the strawberry milkshakes at home using dairy free ice cream and a plant milk. In 2023 I needed to come up with something else, because I developed a sensitivity to strawberries and have reactions to them. I did have allergy testing done and was told I am not allergic to them. I still avoid them, because I do have a reaction. Because of this I needed to pivot. My mom was also a fan of root beer floats. We used to make them at home. So I made a veganized version of that. It didn't feel the same though. For her birthday last year I went out for a vegan cupcake. Today, I am not sure what I will do to celebrate her.

Me with my son celebrating my mom.

Recently I noticed how I feel more disconnected from my mom and my memories of her. Our time together was so far away! I also feel so far away from the person I was when she knew me. As I write this I feel like something tight inside of me wants to come out and be exposed. Something deep inside of me is afraid to let it out.

I think this was my 21st birthday.

Maybe I don't need to celebrate my mom with the same treats anymore? Maybe I can do something special for her each year that's different that meets me where I am in that moment. It could still involve a treat. Perhaps the focus is more on what is something special I did with her. She loved nature, hiking, and camping. We would spend time together looking at recipes in cookbooks and magazines. Conversations at the kitchen table. We loved cooking together. I miss our kitchen moments.

I sometimes wonder what my mom would be like if she were still alive. Life would have taken different turns. I am grateful for where I am today and who I have become. I wish my mom could have been a part of that and part of my son's growing up years. I think she has been though.

I believe this is from when my graduated high school.

Wishing her a very happy 90th birthday! Perhaps just holding space for her in my heart and sharing this post is how I can honor her on this day.