Actions Speak Louder Than Words: An Important Lesson I Learned As A Recovering People-Pleaser

Today is day 29 of the July Ultimate Blog Challenge I have been doing. I have shared a lot about my journey as a recovering people-pleaser. If you haven't already, you can check out my posts here and here to read more about that.

Today I was thinking about the saying actions speak louder than words. This saying has been an important reminder for me when engaging with others. The old me would ignore the poor behaviors of other people just to be liked and accepted. I tried to focus on their good qualities in order to hang on to the vision I had of them. The cycle of "I'm sorry" followed by the same behavior recurring, would always leave me hurt, confused, and frustrated.

In my first marriage, I was constantly walking on eggshells (not exactly a vegan saying haha). As long as I did what he wanted, things were "fine". In reality they were only fine for him.

I have had friends who would only act like a friend when they wanted something from me. In my people-pleasing days I was eager for their attention, only to feel the pains of abandonment once they would disappear on me again. Not to mention the hurt I experienced for feeling used.

I was fixated on who I wanted the person to be. The version they showed me when we connected. I felt confused by their Jekyll and Hyde behavior. Hot one moment, cold the other. The people in these relationships, knew the right things to say that would keep me staying in.

The more I have healed myself, the less tolerant I am of these types of relationships. I now have no problem speaking up, which has made me less desirable to them. The more I became okay with not settling for people who didn't treat me right, the more space I created in my life to attract the right ones.

Cultivating a deeper relationship with myself and becoming my own best friend have allowed me to heal many of my wounds around abandonment. It has been a lengthy process and sometimes an emotionally grueling one. My abandonment wounds still show up from time to time. I have become better at holding space for myself to process these feelings when they come up.

I have had relationships with people that formed when I was a very different version of myself. Some of those relationships are no longer sustainable, because I can no longer tolerate toxic behavior. I no longer believe I need to be who people want me to be in order to be loved and accepted. I no longer justify the poor behavior of others and make excuses for them. If someone's words and actions do not match and they behave in a way that is contradictory to what they say, then that is an indicator that there is something more to the situation that needs to be addressed in some way.

What boundary needs to be set? Is there something they are genuinely not aware of doing that is upsetting me? Do do I need to stop spending time with them? I do a lot of self-reflection before having a conversation with that person. It is important to be clear on what is happening behind your feelings, so you can set whatever boundaries are needed. I offer more tips on this in a previous blog post I did about setting boundaries without feeling selfish. You can read that here.

Here is a journaling exercise I have put together to help you address any feelings around abandonment and cultivate more self-connection.

Working Through Feelings Of Abandonment

1. When I think about abandonment, what memories or moments come to mind? What emotions are still asking to be seen and heard?

   
   

2. In what ways have I abandoned myself in an effort to avoid being abandoned by others?

   
   

3. What did I need to hear or receive in those moments of abandonment—and how can I offer that to myself now?

   
   

4. How has the fear of abandonment shaped my relationships, boundaries, or sense of self-worth?

   
   

5. Who taught me that love could be withdrawn—and what new belief do I want to replace that with?

   
   

6. What does safety feel like in my body? What helps me return to that feeling when I feel triggered or ungrounded?

   
   

7. **If I were to re-parent the part of me that felt abandoned, what would she need daily? What would I say to her

   
   
   
   

Cultivating More Self-Connection

1. What helps me feel most like me? When do I feel the most aligned, whole, and grounded in my truth?

   
   

2. When was the last time I truly listened to myself without judgment? What was I trying to say?

   
   

3. What are the signals my body gives me when I need rest, nourishment, or emotional support? Do I honor them?

   
   

4. What daily rituals or practices help me feel centered and connected to my inner world? How can I do more of them?

   
   

5. If my heart had a voice right now, what would it want me to know?

   
   

6. What are three things I love about who I am—not what I do, but who I am?

   
   

7. Where in my life have I been on autopilot? How can I bring more intentional presence into those areas?

   
   

8. What does my intuition sound or feel like—and when have I trusted it in the past?

   
   

9. What parts of myself have I silenced or neglected, and how can I begin to welcome them back with compassion?

   
   

10. If I treated myself like someone I deeply loved, what would I do differently today?

    
    

Healing our abandonment wounds and cultivating more self-connection helps us prevent being in unhealthy relationships. It's a process that can be painful and take time. Always be kind to yourself through the process and seek more support with a therapist and or a coach if needed. If you would like learning more about how you can work with me, you can message me here to set up a connection call.

What are some ways you can cultivate more self-connection? Also are you someone who struggles with people-pleasing? What are some questions you would like me to answer in a future blog post? Let me know in the comments.